State of South California

I learned today, I may soon be living in a new state. Apparently visionaries in Riverside, Orange, San Bernardino, San Diego and a couple other crappy counties like Kern have figured out how to run a government without anyone paying taxes. They plan to form the State of South California ("SoCal") and kick North California to the curb. Despite Jerry Brown giving them an effective "fuck off" by saying if you want to live in a right wing shit hole, Arizona is only 200 miles away, these founding fathers are undaunted.

I decided I needed to learn more about my new home. I figured Rick Warren would know the purpose behind all this stuff so I gave him a call. Rick was cheerful when I spoke to him and while he didn't have long to chat he gave me a preview of what to expect: :

1) Rename of cities. Rick said this goes with the territory. South Africa did it after apartheid, and we'll do it here as well. First, Santa Ana, will become Westmoreland. If we are going to name a city after a general who lost a war, it sure as hell won't be some Mexican guy. San Diego will be become Port Reagan.

2) Education: Teaches shall get paid minimum wage, which won't exist in SoCal, so they will essentially be indentured servants of the private corporations which will now teach our children. All this crap we currently learn about Native Americans once living here, and once being part of Mexico will be stricken. It is well known that Irvine and South Coast plaza have been standing for over 4,000 years and were founded by one of the lost tribes of Israel not mentioned in the Book of Mormon.

3) State Capital: Garden Grove. Why you ask? Because the Crystal Cathedral is for sale, and this will make an excellent capital building.

4) Same-Sex Marriage: The government of SoCal will not allow marriage to be redefined by a few weirdos living in Palm Springs and Hillcrest. Rather, it will tax all bars in Hillcrest a 15% surcharge and use the funds to finance a Straightening Re-Education camp located near Joshua Tree National Park.

5) Fiscal Policy: There are no taxes in SoCal (except those mentioned in line 4). If we did have taxes, how would our Job Creators create jobs? To fund the government, SoCal plans to lobby Congress for 3 new aircraft carriers to be built in Port Reagan and gets lots of pork presumbably funded by tax payers elsewhere.

6) Getting Ronald Reagan's Body out of NoCal: Rick said, if those fuckers don't turn it over, I'm personally calling Jesus to send a tsunami so large up their ass, they'll wish they were living in the movie 2012.

Rick then had to go. He told me to call him back tomorrow for another update, so I will and pass on what he said.

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