When I got to the office this morning, I checked my voice mail and Rick had left me message wanting me to call him back.
I called Rick and here is our conversation:
RW: Hey Matt, since you have expressed such in interest in the state of SoCal, I was wondering if you interested in a job with the new administration?
MEF: Oh yes, definitely. I’ve always wanted to be Secretary of Defense or a four star general. It is like playing risk or Axis and Allies, but in real life.
RW: Well, we aren’t an independent nation yet so we don’t have any defense forces.
MEF: Right. Well, I’m a pretty sharp lawyer, I wouldn’t mind a slot on the Supreme Court of SoCal possibly as chief justice or maybe just an associate justice.
RW: Funny you should mention that, Tony Rackauckas our new attorney general is in my waiting room. He is heading our team, to select justices, would you like to talk to him?
MEF: Hell yeah.
RW: Ok. (to Tony) . Tony get in here, I think we have a guy to fill a slot on the Supreme Court.
20-30 second delay, doors opening and shutting
TR: Rackauckas, here.
MEF: Hey Tony, congrats on getting the AG job!
TR: Thanks. That fucking guy Chumkowski thought it was all his, as the token liberal jew in the administration. But that wasn’t going to happen.
MEF: You mean Erwin Chemerinsky?
TR: Yeah, whatever his name is. He is in for something, I tell you what. We’ll see how he looks working at the Robert Bork School of Law, and teaching Tony R's version of criminal procedure.
MEF: Yeah, fuck him. He was a shitty con law prep teacher for the bar anyway.
RW: Yeah fuck him.
TR: Anyway Matt, Rick tells me you want a slot on the Supreme Court. I have to tell you the qualifications are pretty high and I’m not sure if you are the guy for it.
MEF: Yeah I know I didn’t goto Harvard or was on law review. But University of San D, I mean Port Reagan is a pretty good school you know.
TR: I don’t give a shit about law review.
MEF: Neither did I.
TR: We need to know where you stand on abortion.
MEF: Well, I was thinking about this. My position is that any killing of life or potential life is murder. I would hold any discharge of semen without intent to procreate or menestration is murder, as it is killing sperms and eggs. This would really set the precedent that it is a child not a choice.
TR: I like the way you think.
RW: What about wet dreams?
TR and MEF: no intent
RW: intent to do what?
TR: It is accidental, so the wet dreamer does not intend to kill his sperm.
MEF: Yeah, Rick, you need to brush up on your Model Penal Code.
MEF: On crime, I am as a hard as Chinese arithmetic. I have been emailing back and forth with Nancy Grace and she has agreed to be cloned around 150 times. We can use these clones to sit as perma-juries in criminal cases.
RW: Whoah, lets back up the truck here Texas. Did you use stem cells to create these clones?
MEF: Come on Rick. That really hurt my feelings . Nancy is getting cloned through prayer, abstinence, and more prayer. We read about this in one of the Left Behind books. So far she already has 12 clones made. That is one jury!
TR: Those books were fucking terrible. Did you ever seen the movie?
MEF: Yeah, I saw the first one, Kirk Cameron was in it as was the black guy from Top Gun.
RW: Hollywood?
TR: Sundown, you moron. I think he was also the token black guy on Hans Gruber’s mercenary team in Die Hard.
MEF: Theo?
TR: No, Hans Gruber. Jesus Christ, who the fuck else was black in that movie?
RW: The limo driver.
MEF: Good point, Rick.
RW: And don’t forget, the fat guy from family matters.
MEF: Oh yeah forgot about him. Did you know Family Matters was a spin off of perfect strangers.
TR: standing tall….
RW: Alright, we can’t be talking about blatantly homosexual stuff like Top Gun and Perfect Strangers. Let’s just agree that there were three black characters in Die Hard.
TR: Balki and Larry were just roommates.
RW and MEF: Whatever.
RW: (under his breath) - fag.
MEF: Hey, I gotta run to court now, so I hope you like my qualifications Tony.
TR: send me over your resume.
MEF: Will do.
RW: Good talking to you Matt, I have so more stuff to share with you. Wanna do lunch tomorrow?
MEF: Sure thing, Rick, noon, say Appelbees in Huntington Beach?
RW: Isn't it in Fountain Valley? I prefer Islands anyway.
MEF: Well there is an Islands in Fountain Valley and HB, which one do you prefer?
RW: I actually like the one in Mission Viejo better.
TR: You guys are a bunch of losers. Olive Garden is far superior for food and juror selection. You get me a jury of 12 Olive Garden patrons and I could convict a minority as fast Rick could find the bottom to their bottomless salad.
MEF: Well, Rick I gotta run, text me where you want to go and I'll meet you there. Any place besides Olive Garden.
RW: Will do.
TR: Later.
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