State of South California II

When I got to the office this morning, I checked my voice mail and Rick had left me message wanting me to call him back.

I called Rick and here is our conversation:

RW: Hey Matt, since you have expressed such in interest in the state of SoCal, I was wondering if you interested in a job with the new administration?

MEF: Oh yes, definitely. I’ve always wanted to be Secretary of Defense or a four star general. It is like playing risk or Axis and Allies, but in real life.

RW: Well, we aren’t an independent nation yet so we don’t have any defense forces.

MEF: Right. Well, I’m a pretty sharp lawyer, I wouldn’t mind a slot on the Supreme Court of SoCal possibly as chief justice or maybe just an associate justice.

RW: Funny you should mention that, Tony Rackauckas our new attorney general is in my waiting room. He is heading our team, to select justices, would you like to talk to him?

MEF: Hell yeah.

RW: Ok. (to Tony) . Tony get in here, I think we have a guy to fill a slot on the Supreme Court.

20-30 second delay, doors opening and shutting

TR: Rackauckas, here.

MEF: Hey Tony, congrats on getting the AG job!

TR: Thanks. That fucking guy Chumkowski thought it was all his, as the token liberal jew in the administration. But that wasn’t going to happen.

MEF: You mean Erwin Chemerinsky?

TR: Yeah, whatever his name is. He is in for something, I tell you what. We’ll see how he looks working at the Robert Bork School of Law, and teaching Tony R's version of criminal procedure.

MEF: Yeah, fuck him. He was a shitty con law prep teacher for the bar anyway.

RW: Yeah fuck him.

TR: Anyway Matt, Rick tells me you want a slot on the Supreme Court. I have to tell you the qualifications are pretty high and I’m not sure if you are the guy for it.

MEF: Yeah I know I didn’t goto Harvard or was on law review. But University of San D, I mean Port Reagan is a pretty good school you know.

TR: I don’t give a shit about law review.

MEF: Neither did I.

TR: We need to know where you stand on abortion.

MEF: Well, I was thinking about this. My position is that any killing of life or potential life is murder. I would hold any discharge of semen without intent to procreate or menestration is murder, as it is killing sperms and eggs. This would really set the precedent that it is a child not a choice.

TR: I like the way you think.

RW: What about wet dreams?

TR and MEF: no intent

RW: intent to do what?

TR: It is accidental, so the wet dreamer does not intend to kill his sperm.

MEF: Yeah, Rick, you need to brush up on your Model Penal Code.

MEF: On crime, I am as a hard as Chinese arithmetic. I have been emailing back and forth with Nancy Grace and she has agreed to be cloned around 150 times. We can use these clones to sit as perma-juries in criminal cases.

RW: Whoah, lets back up the truck here Texas. Did you use stem cells to create these clones?

MEF: Come on Rick. That really hurt my feelings . Nancy is getting cloned through prayer, abstinence, and more prayer. We read about this in one of the Left Behind books. So far she already has 12 clones made. That is one jury!

TR: Those books were fucking terrible. Did you ever seen the movie?

MEF: Yeah, I saw the first one, Kirk Cameron was in it as was the black guy from Top Gun.

RW: Hollywood?

TR: Sundown, you moron. I think he was also the token black guy on Hans Gruber’s mercenary team in Die Hard.

MEF: Theo?

TR: No, Hans Gruber. Jesus Christ, who the fuck else was black in that movie?

RW: The limo driver.

MEF: Good point, Rick.

RW: And don’t forget, the fat guy from family matters.

MEF: Oh yeah forgot about him. Did you know Family Matters was a spin off of perfect strangers.

TR: standing tall….

RW: Alright, we can’t be talking about blatantly homosexual stuff like Top Gun and Perfect Strangers. Let’s just agree that there were three black characters in Die Hard.

TR: Balki and Larry were just roommates.

RW and MEF: Whatever.

RW: (under his breath) - fag.

MEF: Hey, I gotta run to court now, so I hope you like my qualifications Tony.

TR: send me over your resume.

MEF: Will do.

RW: Good talking to you Matt, I have so more stuff to share with you. Wanna do lunch tomorrow?

MEF: Sure thing, Rick, noon, say Appelbees in Huntington Beach?

RW: Isn't it in Fountain Valley? I prefer Islands anyway.

MEF: Well there is an Islands in Fountain Valley and HB, which one do you prefer?

RW: I actually like the one in Mission Viejo better.

TR: You guys are a bunch of losers. Olive Garden is far superior for food and juror selection. You get me a jury of 12 Olive Garden patrons and I could convict a minority as fast Rick could find the bottom to their bottomless salad.

MEF: Well, Rick I gotta run, text me where you want to go and I'll meet you there. Any place besides Olive Garden.

RW: Will do.

TR: Later.


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State of South California

I learned today, I may soon be living in a new state. Apparently visionaries in Riverside, Orange, San Bernardino, San Diego and a couple other crappy counties like Kern have figured out how to run a government without anyone paying taxes. They plan to form the State of South California ("SoCal") and kick North California to the curb. Despite Jerry Brown giving them an effective "fuck off" by saying if you want to live in a right wing shit hole, Arizona is only 200 miles away, these founding fathers are undaunted.

I decided I needed to learn more about my new home. I figured Rick Warren would know the purpose behind all this stuff so I gave him a call. Rick was cheerful when I spoke to him and while he didn't have long to chat he gave me a preview of what to expect: :

1) Rename of cities. Rick said this goes with the territory. South Africa did it after apartheid, and we'll do it here as well. First, Santa Ana, will become Westmoreland. If we are going to name a city after a general who lost a war, it sure as hell won't be some Mexican guy. San Diego will be become Port Reagan.

2) Education: Teaches shall get paid minimum wage, which won't exist in SoCal, so they will essentially be indentured servants of the private corporations which will now teach our children. All this crap we currently learn about Native Americans once living here, and once being part of Mexico will be stricken. It is well known that Irvine and South Coast plaza have been standing for over 4,000 years and were founded by one of the lost tribes of Israel not mentioned in the Book of Mormon.

3) State Capital: Garden Grove. Why you ask? Because the Crystal Cathedral is for sale, and this will make an excellent capital building.

4) Same-Sex Marriage: The government of SoCal will not allow marriage to be redefined by a few weirdos living in Palm Springs and Hillcrest. Rather, it will tax all bars in Hillcrest a 15% surcharge and use the funds to finance a Straightening Re-Education camp located near Joshua Tree National Park.

5) Fiscal Policy: There are no taxes in SoCal (except those mentioned in line 4). If we did have taxes, how would our Job Creators create jobs? To fund the government, SoCal plans to lobby Congress for 3 new aircraft carriers to be built in Port Reagan and gets lots of pork presumbably funded by tax payers elsewhere.

6) Getting Ronald Reagan's Body out of NoCal: Rick said, if those fuckers don't turn it over, I'm personally calling Jesus to send a tsunami so large up their ass, they'll wish they were living in the movie 2012.

Rick then had to go. He told me to call him back tomorrow for another update, so I will and pass on what he said.

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Intro

This blog has had some fits and starts over the past few months. Well here we are. I will write about stuff that interests me, law, peace, war, music, sports, and whatever else is on my mind. Don't be offended by anything you read here, it is just one man's opinion.

ps- if you don't know the origin of the blog's name, let's just say you should learn.